Things the X-Men would never say (or do. Or think)
by Lyra Silvertongue2
Summary: Hey, how many times have you seen one of these before? Well, this one's extra funny, 'cause...uh...I wrote it! And review! Please? And please, no flames. :D
1. 1-20 insane readings

All right! Okay, I know this has been done about sixty *billion* times before, and my quotes aren't *incredibly* original, but they made *me* laugh! There aren't too many, but...hopefully they're funny. :D And, yes, I realize that I did more quotes for some than others but...some people are just easier to pick on! I apologize for the bad language in some of them, but ya gotta admit, it's funny to see some of them swear. Alright, I'll stop now, before I have more author's notes than text.  
  
***  
  
1. Jean: Aw, fuck this. (*kisses Scott*)  
2. Kitty: (*phases into Kurt's room*) Oh my God! I, like, totally *love* the Beatles!  
3. Sabretooth and Wolverine: (*growl at the same time*)  
Wolverine: (*stops fighting and points at Sabretooth*) Jinx!  
4. Kurt: That's it! I'm so sick of being a nice guy! From now on, I'm going to be an asshole!  
Rogue: Never thought I'd see the day.  
Kurt: I'll prove it! (*BAMFs behind Kitty and pulls her ponytail*)  
5. Wolverine: I'll have a Kool-Aid.  
6. Quicksilver (bragging to a group of girls): Yeah, and I'm going on a diet. No more sugar for me.   
7. Scott: (*yells from the bathroom*) Holy *crap*! There goes the pole that was up my ass!  
8. Beast: (*shuts up*)  
9. Toad: (*takes a shower*)  
10. Toad: I'm sorry I'm so disgusting, guys! It just comes with the whole 'Toad' thing, ya know? Listen, from now on, I'll clean up the boardinghouse.  
11. Kurt: (*in his supreme asshole state*) Professor, you know, you are really stupid. All you do is keep secrets from us and tell us what to do.  
Professor: You know what, Kurt?! Maybe I'm just a little *sick* of all you *fuckin' kids* wandering around my *mansion*!  
Kurt (runs off to tell the rest of the group): Hey, guys! Check it out! The Professor's as bad as Magneto!  
12. Tabby: (*stops being such a slut*)  
13. Kitty (to Rogue): You know what? Your brother is *damn hot*! I'm gonna go make out with him *right now*! (Note: 'bout time she noticed how *cute* he is!)  
14. Wolverine (to Sabretooth): Listen, before we fight, I was wondering...would you like a cigar?  
15. Scott: Geez, Wolverine, can't we have a day off from training?! Let us be normal teenagers for once! (*turns to everybody in their costumes*) C'mon, guys, let's go to the mall!  
16. Rogue: Disco....FEVER!!!! (*dances*)  
17. Storm: Hey, everybody! We're having a hair-dying party today! No school for you! Now, who wants to help me turn my hair pink?  
18. Evan: (*stops being such an obnoxious little brat*)  
19. Evan: (*throws down skateboard*) That's it, I've had it! No more boarding for me! From now on, I'm going to devote my life to studying Shakespeare! (*picks up book*) Damn, do I wish I were Mercutio...  
20. Fred: Did you know that a majority of people in America are now *at least* twenty pounds overweight? That makes them obese, you know. So, in truth, you people are at a more freakish weight than I am. (*points at them and laughs heartily*) Weirdos!  
  
***  
  
So whaddaya think? Funny? Please review, but no flames, please (I've had enough of *those* to last a lifetime - even if I *have* only had two...hee-hee)! Just tell me what you think, and if enough people like 'em, then maybe I'll consider doing a second installment...hint, hint, wink, wink. :D 


	2. 21-40 insane readings (I'm so *crazy*)

Yay! Another chapter! Oh joy! I know *you're* excited!  
(*deep breaths*) Okay, I'm cool now.  
THANK YOU, PEOPLE! Oh, I feel special, I love reviews.  
Note to Ryoken: THANK YOU SO MUCH! Aw, crap, I knew I forgot *someone*. Hell, I probably forgot more than just *someone*. And, you know, I really *hate* Lance, so now I get to *torture* him! (*evil laughter*) Again, thank you.  
And now, without further ado....Things the X-Men Would Never Say....chapter two (hey, I rhymed).  
  
***  
  
21. Lance: I'm sorry for yelling at you, Scott! Look, the only reason I'm so angry with you is because of the sexual tension! (*grabs Scott and kisses him*)  
Scott: I feel like such a whore.  
22. Magneto (sad): I must speak with you, Charles. This whole time...all these years...I did all these terrible things just to spite you. I'm sorry. It was the...sexual tension. (*grabs Xavier and gives him a smooch*)  
(Note: this is beginnning to be become a theme - *evil laughter*)  
23. Lance: Fuck off, Kitty! (Note: DAMN HIM FOR NOT SAYING THIS!)  
24. (Note: Ooh! Ooh! How 'bout this one?) Kitty: Like, fuck off, Lance. (Note: Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!)  
25. Rahne: Professor, I've been thinking, and I really feel that I should have a line. Just a little one. A scream, maybe.  
26. Sunspot: I love the moon! I mean- the sun! My bad!  
27. Bobby: (*shivers*) Is it cold in here? Or is it just me?  
28. Professor: (*farts*)  
29. Professor: (*reads "The Greatest Generation" by Tom Brokaw -the bastard- and laughs the entire way through*)  
30. Ray: Everyone! Get over here! (*they walk over*) You know, I love you guys. Group hug!  
31. Rogue: (*same*)  
32. Beast: Please, call me Mr. McCoy.  
33. Ororo: I'm a snow plow, not a weather-witch.  
34. Kurt (in response to Ororo's hair-dying party thingie from the previous chapter - remember?): Me first! Can we dye my fur orange?  
35. Jean (giving herself a pep talk in the mirror): You suck, Jean Gray! You *suck*! Everyone thinks that you're okay, but you know the truth: you suck ass! Hell, you don't even have a codename. (*thinks for a minute*) Hey. Maybe...Marvel Girl?  
36. Remy: Damn, I wish I was on the show.  
37. Beast: (*puts on jeans and leather jacket*) Hey, Logan. Can I borrow your motorcycle?  
38. Scott (to Kurt): Yeah, you can borrow my car. But on one condition: I get to use your image inducer for a day. I've learned that chicks really *do* dig the fuzzy dude.  
39. Amara: I don't deserve this. It's too good for me.  
40. Jubilee: Dammit! Why do I have to look so much like Amara?!  
  
***  
  
Okay, so not all of these are all that funny, but...well, I thought they were funny! And so did my step-brother (my lovely assistant, Pierre). (*Pierre strikes a pose.*) By the way, if you haven't read "The Greatest Generation," don't, 'cause it's the most bigoted & sexist book I've ever read. DAMN YOU TOM BROKAW! Sorry about that. I have to vent this stuff somewhere.  
I'm so glad you guys liked my first chapter. Tell me if you enjoyed this one, 'cause I *love* writing these things.  
Hey, and if you liked this...try reading some of my other fics (shameless plugging *rules*!).   
Allright, I'll shut up and let you review.  
:D 


	3. 41-60 insane readings (Oh no, she's at i...

Whoo-hoo, I'm back! Sorry, I kinda lacked inspiration there for awhile...but with the new episode 'n' all (it's been sittin' heavy on my mind for a week...inspiration!), I (and my lovely assistant, Pierre) came up with some new silliness to post. Enjoy!  
  
***  
  
41. Wanda (to Pietro): (*glomps him*) I love you. You're the best brother ever!  
(Note: 'Kay, I know this is kinda cliché by now, but oh well.)  
42. Wanda (to Magneto over the 'phone): Hey, Dad, I forgive you for everything, so...moving on, would you like to get the whole family together and have a barbecue?  
43. Tabitha (to Mystique, haltingly): Listen, I'm sorry about the whole 'blowing up your room' thing...if you want, I'll repair it for you. I was just going to ask you...will you be my mommy? (Note: she's supposed to say this all friendly-like)  
44. Pietro (to Toad, about Wanda - Note: I'm kinda on a Wanda spree, aren't I?): Actually, she's my sister *and* my ex-girlfriend.  
45. Scott: Hey, guys, look! If I open my eyes without my visor, nothing happens! See? (*opens his eyes, blows half the mansion out into the street*) Oops.  
46. Kitty (going to phase): Alright, see you later!  
Wall: Thump!  
Kitty: Owwww....  
47. Mystique: I'm so sorry, boys. I used you, I manipulated you to my will. From now on, I'm going to try and be a perfect guardian to you. We'll turn this place around! (*Shapeshifts into June Cleaver*)Cookies, anyone?  
48. Todd: (*gets the girl*)  
49. Fred (to teacher): God's bread, it makes me mad! Day, night, hour, tide, time, work, play, alone, in company, *still* my care hath been to have her matched! And having now provided a gentleman of noble parentage, of fair demenes, youthful, and nobly trained - stuffed, as they say, with honorable parts, proportioned as one's thought would wish a man! Then to have a wretched, puling fool, a whining mammet in her fortune's tender, to answer: I'll not wed, I cannot love, I am too young, I pray you, pardon me! But an you will not wed, I'll pardon thee: graze where you will, you shall not house with me.  
Teacher: Thank you, Fred, that's precisely what I asked for. (*Turns to class*) *That* is Capulet's speech. I hope you will learn things like this in time class, but, unfortunately for you, this is *way* above your level. (Note: I know this is long, but I like to show off my knowledge. :D)  
50. Evan: (*glomps Pietro*)  
51. (Note: this is a very silly pun that my lovely assistant, Pierre, came up with. Forgive me for posting it.) Amara (to Hank): Mr. Hank, you're the Real McCoy!  
52. Kurt (to Hank - Note: this is beginning to become a habit): Wait a second...Mr. McCoy - I'm fuzzy...and you're fuzzy...we're both blue...are you my *DAD*?  
53. Duncan: (*takes Jean out for a really romantic date - pays more than ten dollars for food*)  
54. Magneto: I don't get it. How is it that I can move *every* metal around when I'm supposed to have *magnetic* powers?  
Magneto's Henchman: I don't know, sir. All I know is...whenever you come by my computer, it's ruined and I have to get a new one.  
55. Scott: If you really want to know why I won't take off my sunglasses, Taryn, I'll tell you: I'm a mutant.  
Taryn: Pfft, you are such a dork! I didn't *really* want to know, y'ass! I was just using your glasses as a symbol for your pants! (Note: Taryn is *such* a slut, in my humble opinion.)  
56. Amanda: Actually, Kurt, I've been stalking you. That's why I know about your abilities and your looks. So, wanna kiss me? Or do you just want to see my stalker-notes?  
57. Rogue: Scott, do you think Pietro would ever ask me out? I like him *soooooooo* much!  
Scott: Ha! Him asking you out is almost as likely as me developing a personality! (Note: I *love* responding to fans' reviews)  
58. Lance: Hey, guys, did you ever notice that I look like I'm wearing an upside-fishbowl on my head when I wear my costume? Just wondering.  
Todd: Yeah, well, at least you don't have to wear something that makes you look like Eye-gor from Young Frankenstein (Note: I love that movie, don't you?)  
59. Everyone at Bayville High: Yeah, we know you're mutants. We just never said anything, 'cause we didn't want to embarrass you.  
Scott: How did you know that we're mutants? (*Jean whacks Scott upside the head for confirming the students' belief*)  
Everyone at Bayville High: Well, it's pretty obvious from the way you guys are constantly destroying stuff around town. I mean, geez, if you wanted to be discreet, you could've stopped blowing stuff up a long time ago.  
60. Professor: Merde. (Note: Hee-hee, movie reference, Captain Picard's french!)  
  
***  
  
Ta-da! (*Does a coupla backflips*) Aren't you proud of me? And my lovely assistant, Pierre? Pierre, take a bow (*Pierre bows with a flourish*). 'Kay, now that we're done with *that*...tell us if it was funny! Please? And tell us what you liked, that way we can add *even more* insanity to Fanfiction.net.  
:D 


	4. 6180 insane reading Flee Go now, or sure...

***  
  
61. Mystique (throwing open the door to the Brotherhood house. Get ready for it folks, a big Independence Day style): Hello, boys! I'm BAA-ACK!  
  
62. Wanda (seeing Todd in Quicksilver's costume): Wowza! Forget about Magneto, I'm staying here!  
  
63. Rogue: Hey, Kitty, what's Kurt doing without his holo-projector on...in school? ...Naked?  
  
Kitty (enthralled with the sight on the roof): I don't know, but I hope he doesn't stop what he's doing up there soon.  
  
Amanda (averting her eyes): That's it! I am *so* dumping him! (Note: Why, X- Men: Evolution writers, why?! Have him go out with Kitty! She just dumped Lance, she's totally available! ::despairs::)  
  
64. Logan: Guess what, Chuck.  
  
Xavier: What is it, Logan?  
  
Logan (busts out): I'M OLDER THAN YOU! (*he runs out the half-finished mansion's door, squealing*) Whee-hee-hee-hee-HEE!  
  
65. Kitty (to Remy, who happens to be passing by): Hey, wanna make out?  
  
Remy: Sorry, petite, mais I don't even *touch* a girl unless I've been going out with her for several years.  
  
Rogue: (*dives for Remy*)  
  
66. Scott: Jean, honey? Listen, I hate to be telling you this after our passionate five-year love affair, but... (*sighs*) I'm gay. I've been seeing Duncan Matthews behind your back.  
  
Duncan: I feel so used.  
  
67. Pietro (in response to Storm's hair-dying party from the first section): (*ambles in lazily*) Can I borrow the blue dye? Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.  
  
68. Pietro: Are you kidding?! My father's an *asshole*!  
  
69. Kurt: (*tangoes*)  
  
70. Scott: I got contacts! Yay!  
  
71. Rogue: (*grabs Remy and kisses him*)  
  
Remy: (*Thud*)  
  
Rogue (to Remy's prone body): Oops. Sorry. Forgot for a minute, there.  
  
72. Kitty: (*stops saying "like"*)  
  
73. Beast: You are so smart. I wish I could be like you.  
  
74. Jamie: Girls? I love 'em! No, really. I don't think kissing is icky or anything....really!  
  
75. Jean: Whoo-hoo! I've quit the cheerleading team--I'm going to join a punk band! (*wanders off in search of Ororo's hair-dying party*)  
  
76. Logan (to Kitty): Are you kidding?! I'd *love* to chaperone your driving! Please, allow me to yell at any assholes who point out your errors! (Note: He's not being sarcastic here, folks...)  
  
77. Logan (to Sabretooth): But we never *cuddle.*  
  
78. Ororo: I'll take the elevator.  
  
79. Kitty: Guess what, guys?!  
  
Everyone (excitedly): What?!  
  
Kitty: I, like, totally got a FIVE on my AP Calc test! Whoo!  
  
80. Piotr: Ow! You *dented* me! (*goes off to sulk in a corner*)  
  
***  
  
That's right, folks, I completed an entire chapter without the assistance of Pierre (*a pouty face from Pierre*). Meet my *new* lovely assistant: John! (*cheering from all sides*) (*John takes a bow*) So. Tell me what you think. What's your favorite one? No, really--I want to know. In other words: REVIEW! AUGH! 


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